Zach broke 200 and Grant broke nothing
Week 1 set the bar early. Teams averaged 145.60 points, and Zach dropped 201.28 on Dan, the only 200-point week of the season so far. Josh Allen, Jalen Hurts, D'Andre Swift, Chris Olave and Dallas Goedert all cleared 23. Dan scored 130.42 and lost by 70.86. Dan renames his team every week after whoever he's playing, so this week it was Gonna TetTee fuck Zach. Zach did not get the memo.
The NFL opened loud. The Bears and Panthers combined for 96 points, the most of any Week 1 game ever. Caleb Williams accounted for four touchdowns for John, and Bryce Young threw for 361 yards and accounted for four more from the waiver wire, where nobody owned him. Kyler Murray left with a concussion, which wrecked Jared's superflex spot.
The managers opened quieter. Corey left 45.96 points on his bench and still won by 45.6, which is the kind of thing that makes everyone else hate him. Jared had a winning lineup on his bench and lost by 4.56. Grant scored 115.40, the lowest in the league, with Chuba Hubbard's 23.7 sitting next to him. Thirteen regular-season weeks to go.
Scoreboard 5 games · tap a stat for the chart
Blowout of the week
Just Joshin’ YaZach · 1-0
201.28
Gonna TetTee fuck ZachDan · 0-1
130.42
Zach's opening statement: 201.28. Josh Allen threw for 324 yards and accounted for four touchdowns in a 36-31 win over Houston, good for 35.66. D'Andre Swift added 32.4 and Chris Olave 28.2. Jalen Hurts threw three touchdowns, two of them to Dallas Goedert, and Zach started both. He didn't need any of it. He'd have won with half of it.
Dan scored 130.42, which would have beaten three other teams this week. Lamar Jackson threw for 324 yards for 24.96. The defense Dan picked up on Tuesday, the Chargers, scored 1.0. The team was literally called Gonna TetTee fuck Zach. Zach won by 70.86.
Won by 45 with 45 on the bench
Ayatollah Ka’imiCorey · 1-0
161.00
GrantCarawayGrant · 0-1
115.40
Corey left Christian Watson (32.7) and Isaiah Likely (27.8) on his bench. That's 45.96 points of mistakes, the most in the league. He still won by 45.6, because Kenneth Walker scored 34.1 and Amon-Ra St. Brown added 28.7. Ayatollah Ka’imi got 9.0 from its namesake kicker, for the record.
Grant scored 115.40, the lowest in the league. Trevor Lawrence threw four touchdowns in Jacksonville's 34-10 win over Cleveland, good for 26.1. Matthew Stafford gave him 5.1 and Drake London 5.5. Chuba Hubbard scored 23.7 on the bench. It's Week 1, Grant. Nobody's judging yet. That starts in Week 2.
The Bears game paid off
Gibb It To Me BabyJohn · 1-0
169.56
CeeDanzNutz69Kevin · 0-1
128.90
John got the best game in the league from Caleb Williams, who accounted for four touchdowns in Chicago's 59-37 win at Carolina, good for 37.26. Jahmyr Gibbs (33.6) and David Montgomery (28.9) added 62.5 more. John cut C.J. Stroud before the season for Dalton Kincaid, who then scored 18.0 on his bench. That's still the right call if your QB scores 37.
Kevin got 26.2 from Jaxon Smith-Njigba and 22.66 from Patrick Mahomes, and 3.2 from George Kittle. He left only 2.4 points on his bench, the least in the league. He set a near-perfect lineup and lost by 40. On the other side of that Bears game, Bryce Young threw for 361 yards and four touchdowns. He was a free agent. Kevin claimed him Wednesday.
The Raiders showed up
troth19Tristan · 1-0
158.88
Sloppy SteaksChris · 0-1
123.06
Tristan's backfield of Ashton Jeanty (32.7) and Bijan Robinson (31.3) scored 64 by itself. Jeanty had 147 total yards and two touchdowns in a 27-13 Raiders win. Trey McBride added 24.5. Tristan's Houston defense scored −1.0, a negative number, and he still won by 35.
Chris got 31.2 from Justin Jefferson and 17.7 from Malik Willis. He picked up Juwan Johnson on Thursday and got 14.4 from him. Justin Herbert lost at home to Arizona and gave Chris 14.26. The Sloppy Steaks lived up to the name in Week 1. The rest of the season will tell if that sticks.
Jeff's island opens for business
Jeffstein IslandJeff · 1-0
136.02
Zach & Dan’s Sex SnuggieJared · 0-1
131.46
Jeff won his opener by 4.56. Jaxson Dart scored 26.6, Jonathan Taylor 25.1 and Breece Hall 19.8. The Jacksonville defense he grabbed on Sunday before the season scored 15.0. Jeff cut Dalton Kincaid to make room, and Kincaid scored 18.0 for John. Jeff left Kyle Monangai's 20.4 on the bench. None of it mattered, which will become a theme.
Jared lost with a winning lineup on his bench. Kyler Murray left with a concussion and scored 0.62 in the superflex spot, while Tyler Shough threw for 410 yards on Jared's bench (25.2). Derrick Henry scored three touchdowns for 35.3, and the Steelers defense added 20.0. Start Shough and Jared wins by about 20. Jared also named his team after two other managers in this league, which may explain the judgment.
The breakdown week 1
Points scored vs. points left on the bench
Each team's actual score plus the points it could have added by starting its best possible lineup. Jared is the only manager whose best lineup would have flipped the result. Corey left the most, 45.96, and won by 45.6.
ScoredLeft on bench
Just Joshin’ Ya
201.28 +11.00
Ayatollah Ka’imi
161.00 +45.96
Gibb It To Me Baby
169.56 +21.80
Zach & Dan’s Sex SnuggieBest lineup wins
131.46 +32.98
Jeffstein Island
136.02 +17.50
GrantCaraway
115.40 +24.90
Gonna TetTee fuck Zach
130.42 +8.60
CeeDanzNutz69
128.90 +2.40
Sloppy Steaks
123.06 +6.10
Where the points came from
Week 1 starter points by position group. Zach got 60.38 from his QBs and 69.70 from WR and TE. Tristan's running backs scored 78.10. Jared's QBs scored 17.06, the least in the league, thanks to Kyler Murray's concussion.
QBRBWR/TEK/DEF
Zach & Dan’s Sex Snuggie
131.46
Gonna TetTee fuck Zach
130.42
Luck: actual wins minus expected wins
Expected wins come from the all-play record: how you'd do if you played every team every week. After one week, Jeff is the luckiest. He won with the fifth-best score of the week. Jared is the unluckiest, losing with 131.46.
Gonna TetTee fuck Zach
-0.33
Zach & Dan’s Sex Snuggie
-0.44
Season bench of shame
Total points left on the bench so far. It's one week, so this is just Week 1. Corey leads with 45.96. Kevin left only 2.40.
Zach & Dan’s Sex Snuggie
32.98
Gonna TetTee fuck Zach
8.60
Waiver wire report week 1
Missed adds
A missed add only counts if, over the weeks before, the free agent had averaged at least as much as the starter he'd have replaced, and Sleeper projected him at least as high that week. Hindsight doesn't count.
Week 1 has no track record, so nobody gets a missed add. For the record, Jalen Coker (33.8), Bryce Young (32.44) and the Bengals defense (22.0) were all free agents. Chris and Kevin claimed the first two on Wednesday.
Waiver winners
Jeffstein Island · JeffGrabbed the Jacksonville defense before the season, started it, and got 15.0 in a 4.56-point win.
Sloppy Steaks · ChrisPicked up Juwan Johnson on Thursday and got 14.4 from him at tight end.
Gibb It To Me Baby · JohnClaimed Dalton Kincaid after Jeff cut him. Kincaid scored 18.0, on the bench, but the roster got better.
Waiver losers
Gonna TetTee fuck Zach · DanAdded the Chargers defense on Tuesday and started it. It scored 1.0 in a 70.86-point loss.
Jeffstein Island · JeffCut Dalton Kincaid for that Jacksonville defense. Kincaid scored 18.0 for John.
Grab these before Week 2
Bryce YoungAdj 13.91
QB · CARWk 2 vs ATL
Tough matchupATL allows the 8th-fewest points to QBs (12.5 a game)
Sleeper proj 16.47Matchup-adjusted 13.91
Kevin claimed him Wednesday. Young scored 24.08 in Week 2, on Kevin's bench.
Jalen CokerAdj 11.16
WR · CARWk 2 vs ATL
Tough matchupATL allows the 8th-fewest points to WRs (22.4 a game)
Sleeper proj 12.90Matchup-adjusted 11.16
Chris claimed him Wednesday and got 14.6 in Week 2.
Carson WentzAdj 23.55
QB · MINWk 2 vs CHI
Great matchupCHI allows the 3rd-most points to QBs (34.8 a game)
Sleeper proj 16.16Matchup-adjusted 23.55
Nobody bit. He scored 6.32 in Week 2, so nobody missed much.
Devaughn VeleAdj 8.69
WR · NOWk 2 vs BAL
Tough matchupBAL allows the 12th-fewest points to WRs (25.0 a game)
Sleeper proj 9.58Matchup-adjusted 8.69
John claimed him and benched him. Vele scored 11.4 in Week 2.